The Battle that's Mine

[greenknight]

Hello dear friends...it's been a few months,seems longer in fact but I've been away fighting a battle of hearts and minds well actually mine.

It's great under anonymity that such a post can be made so forgive me for posting it.

Battles with sword have never been a problem for this old knight but skirmishes involving the heart have always been a little trickier and this old boy has fallen victim to a most modern of gadgets....the texting device. Together we have been Mrs Knight and I for 18 wonderful years and like everyone we have shared love and endured pain but it's been together.

Without enlarging on this personal tradegy I chanced upon the fact that my younger lass has been secretly texting a work colleague whose name I do not know but it extended into our time. It's gone on for a few months and now found out she explains to me that there was nothing in it but he was there during a time when she needed support which for this old boy hurts because I always felt that was my role. It doesn't help that hides disguised and is fifteen years my junior. What is the definition of a special friend and when does a friendship become affair? My wife has friends at work both male and female most are known to me and plenty are stored on her phone but this guy works in the shadows ...she felt she needed to do this knowing it would hurt if I knew...but again why would it be a threat it were just a friendship.

So my friends my apologetic wife who won't reveal,wants me to get around this but not give up this "special friendship". Our marriage was founded on love, friendship, loyalty and trust but the trust is now broken and my friends I cannot get round the fact that secrets have entered our marriage, our friendship our lives. For me it's simple perhaps that's a blokes way of dealing with it but why would someone gamble on an 18 year relationship for the preservation of one that's just a few months old ...unless of course there is more to it..you see people the battle is mine and I'm losing it.

 

Texting and Facebook ...ultimate weapons in the creation and destruction of relationships..apologies friends.

[Ubique]

Greenknight - a very brave , well written post . Sincerely hope that ( If you both want to ) you can sort this situation out and move on . I can understand why you say that the trust was broken - trust is one of the mainstays of a marriage . Another one is having no secrets - I can't even tell Mrs U that I have taken Charlie our Golden Retriever a walk when I haven't . Of course with you and the secret male it's not knowing who it is , has he been to your castle and drunk your wine etc . I certainly would like to know who it is - that's all part of clearing the air and moving on . I feel for you my friend.

My very best wishes

[Colin James]

Well this is a difficult one my friend but I have been exactly where you find yourself now. I really do hope that you and you good lady can sort this out however, from my experience 'secret friends' are usually 'secret' for a reason and I would not be comfortable in the knowledge that he was there at a time when she felt that she needed support but didn't seek that support from you? I usually go with my gut instinct, so you need to ask yourself what your instinct is telling you and if it is suspicion or it just does not sit well with you, then you need to speak with your wife and ask her why she it is so important to her that this special friend remains anonymous, especially if there is nothing to hide, moreover, if she truly loves you, surely she must realise and understand that this is tormenting you and that is not fair in my opinion because I can see it is eating you up inside. She should be reassuring you and putting your mind at rest.

[Denise Lloyd]

Work colleagues share things that happen at work that a spouse would not understand - jokes office politics who other people including partners would consider immaterial. Your wife and her texting companion both went through the worry of redundancy a couple of months ago so perhaps they found more comfort talking to each other - nobody knows the intricacies of office life and usually only the people who work in that particular environment have a real grasp on it.

[Victor Wright]

Work colleagues share things that happen at work that a spouse would not understand - jokes office politics who other people including partners would consider immaterial. Your wife and her texting companion both went through the worry of redundancy a couple of months ago so perhaps they found more comfort talking to each other - nobody knows the intricacies of office life and usually only the people who work in that particular environment have a real grasp on it.

 

Although I tend to agree with what Denise has said, I see no real reason for your wife to hide this from you, particularly if she knows that it has unsettled you, I agree with Colin in that some reassurance is in order perhaps, which would go a long way to putting your mind at least. Good luck and i hope everything juts blows over for you both.

[ragwert]

Worrying thoughts of what has or has not happened with mess with your head GN.
You need to find out who this is and have a chat with them.

[dippyhippy]

Oh, Green Knight. What a predicament.

 

No easy solutions to this one.... there never are when matters of the heart are concerned. Eighteen years is a long time. Too long to not try your hardest to get beyond this.

 

No relationship is easy, as I'm sure you appreciate, and nobody can ever really know exactly what goes on behind closed doors. Ask yourself this, can you live with this situation - knowing it's not a 'physical affair'?? Is it a compromise you could live with?

 

For what it's worth, my own relationship is not what most folks would consider conventional -  but we have accepted flaws/differences in each other, and to the world and his brother.... we appear like any other couple.

 

If your wife is now being entirely truthful, and you are fully aware of this friendship, is this a situation you can tolerate?

 

Could you live with the consequences of forcing an ultimatum... and not getting the response you need?

 

It's quite remarkable just how many compromises can be struck between two people who love each other to bits..... I get the sense that you both want to work this out. The hardest bit is setting the boundaries, and rebuilding the trust.

 

If you both want this to work - it will. But it will take both of you.

 

Sending a hug.

[Richard Bandler]

Sorry to read this Greenknight. Like yourself and Colin I also went through this. I had a very hard time, almost lost my job and ended up a single parent of three kids. It was tough but I came out the other end.

Hang in there, things will get better!

And hopefully sharing it with us helps you!

[Cambo]

I'm sorry to hear that GK…not sure any words of wisdom or advice that I could give on relationships,would be of much help to you unfortunately?… but I do hope you & mrs GK can sort your differences so as to get back to harmonies ways in your relationships…as relationship break ups can be like bereavements I find…but I do think the third party in this should do one so to give you both the chance to get back to winning ways.

 

I wish you both well.

[Colin James]

Sorry to read this Greenknight. Like yourself and Colin I also went through this. I had a very hard time, almost lost my job and ended up a single parent of three kids. It was tough but I came out the other end.

Hang in there, things will get better!

And hopefully sharing it with us helps you!

 

Oh yes, I never mention that I ended up being a single parent of two wonderful kids in fact, if it wasn't for my kids, I probably wouldn't be here now. Now, I am in a much happier place. I hope this works out for the best for both of you. 

[greenknight]

Hello and thank you for your words of comfort.

My wife and I came together only because she broke down so many barriers that I created when my children were taken from me when my first marriage ended. It was almost five years after that time when we met and she stuck to me despite the many times I tried to push her away so after so much time these eighteen years a stupid silly mistake resurrects a trust issue that I simply cannot forget or push away to a dark corner of my aching old head.How stupid though for someone to build something up and use the same tools to destroy it.....I wasn't expecting that.

It has energised nightmares from the past and in fact most of us appreciate that once trust becomes an issue then the relationship cannot survive and for this reason I have to let go of the one person who truly has been my soul mate for all these years.

 

We have no children which more recently became an issue as it can do of women in their early forties and the near loss of her job plus family issues well my guard was dropped but ultimately the fault lies with me because I simply cannot get around the issue of trust.

 

A tradegy and an absolute waste of a marriage....bloody, bloody phones.

[dippyhippy]

I'm truly sorry that you feel you can't find a way forward to try to resolve this issue, my friend.

 

Honestly.... eighteen years..... throw everything you have at it, before you walk away. As long as you can find the words to keep communicating, there surely must be hope that your relationship can be salvaged?

 

Trust is huge..... of course it is. But please don't allow yourself to be so focussed on one point, that you are blinded to other paths forward. Don't look back on this, and have so many regrets that you didn't explore all options.

 

As I said previously, it takes both of you to find any workable solution.

 

Only you and Mrs GK know the answers to these questions.

 

Sending a hug, and a hope that you can find some common ground to build on.

[Colin James]

Hello and thank you for your words of comfort.

My wife and I came together only because she broke down so many barriers that I created when my children were taken from me when my first marriage ended. It was almost five years after that time when we met and she stuck to me despite the many times I tried to push her away so after so much time these eighteen years a stupid silly mistake resurrects a trust issue that I simply cannot forget or push away to a dark corner of my aching old head.How stupid though for someone to build something up and use the same tools to destroy it.....I wasn't expecting that.

It has energised nightmares from the past and in fact most of us appreciate that once trust becomes an issue then the relationship cannot survive and for this reason I have to let go of the one person who truly has been my soul mate for all these years.

 

We have no children which more recently became an issue as it can do of women in their early forties and the near loss of her job plus family issues well my guard was dropped but ultimately the fault lies with me because I simply cannot get around the issue of trust.

 

A tradegy and an absolute waste of a marriage....bloody, bloody phones.

 

I am so sorry GK to hear this news and I know all too much about those horrible nightmares, I was with my ex wife for 23 years and married for 17 of those, no rhyme or reason but I guess my vows meant more than hers...The good thing is we have remained friends and we communicate because we have two wonderful kids (adults now).

 

Stay strong, something good usually comes out of something bad in my experience.

[greenknight]

Well here I am ....and Dippy I did throw everything at this battle but it is lost. A stupid text and the inability of this old scroat not being able to deal with the residue that is trust. It would have been so much better if my lady had tried to make this better but I have seen nothing these last months. The ' lets pretend this did not happen' principle not workable I'm afraid.

So to protect a friendship at work an 18 year friendship is lost,...and it is lost because I have lost a home and all that it embraces, and I have lost all that I thought was great.

 

So as my focus moves to recovery and once the home is sold I have to make a decision as to what I do next. Currently looking for alternative digs/rooms so if anyone knows of a place to recover for a fit 50 something, non-smoker, Costa drinker then please drop me a message. Its got to be clean and tidy though and I need a space for my car.

 

As the fire and smoke from the battle clears I an sure that I will see a way through and from that point my contribution to this great site will resume.

 

All the best GK.

[dippyhippy]

I'm so very sorry to hear that news, my friend.

 

I had genuinely hoped that this situation could have had a happier outcome. You threw everything at it - but unless both parties were prepared to put this effort in, it couldn't have been resolved.

 

PM me if you need a chat.

[greenknight]

Reaching Out..tucking in

 

Very soon this Cancerarian male will secure his new home. A place where he can reach out but retire especially when he touches something that might cause him pain. With this new, petite shell secured around the frame of a man so nearly lost he will withdraw. He can hide when he likes, move a little perhaps cry in secret.

Sure that days and nights run side by side this guy will reach out but as the Autumn turns to Winter he will also tuck away. He fears nothing only the emotion of a love lost that he was powerless to protect. His claws will unleash the pain, the grief, consumed by the hurt and resentment. Sure is of a crabs tale that emotions play a part and those stars above endorse this fact. Sure is that he will continue to rescue, gather and protect those that are in need. Sure is that he also knows that these very things will leave him ...eventually.

 

Something a little different ..perhaps the hard politics of life.

All the best GK

[Chris Chappell]

Be brace, many of us have been there and know of your pain. What ever you think we will ride this journey with you, you are not alone.